Every Time I Run
by opalheart12
Summary: Sirius has let Remus walk out of his life time and again. In the midst of the war, he decides that he cannot allow that anymore. He needs his other half back. Remus, however, is not quite sure he can allow his heart to be ripped apart again.


He'd been trying to find him for quite some now. The war was raging, yet he'd abandoned his entire life for the one that truly mattered. No, he would not let him walk out of his life again. Never again would he be accused of not following what, or in this case, who he loved. He tore down the deserted muddy road, racing after the man he loved, hoping he wouldn't disappear from his life forever. He'd allowed that once, but not again. Never again.

Finally, he came upon a small cottage far back from the road and shrouded by tall, thick trees. It was just like him to pick a place such as this to hide. He followed his scent until he entered the perimeter of the house, at which point he felt a ripple of magic. He quietly disabled the wards just enough to get through before restoring them so that they were far stronger than they were before.

The ice cold rain felt like it was stabbing him all over his body now and he was certain that he couldn't feel his feet anymore. Somehow, he knew that he didn't care about any of that. Besides, the cold his body felt was absolutely nothing to the cold in his heart he'd felt and continued to feel since he'd let his love leave his life. His coat was doing absolutely nothing for him and the warming charm he'd cast hours ago was now useless.

He pounded on the door repeatedly, hoping and praying that he was inside. It'd taken weeks and eventually months to find him, and he would be damned if he wasn't inside this blasted cottage. His breathing was shaky and short, for he was shivering in the frigid air and he was certain his skin was probably so far past pale it wasn't even funny.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing here?" a voice said, startling him.

Sirius Black looked up and met the eyes of one Remus Lupin. He found then that the courage he'd been building up during the time it took to find him had dissipated. His mouth had gone dry despite the fact that the rest of him was soaking wet. His mouth opened and closed several times, but no words were coming out. His body was absolutely numb now and he vaguely thought he might be losing feeling below his waist. He felt extremely sleepy, likely due to the fact that he had not slept much in the last few months and also because he was very likely hypothermic.

"I'm so sorry, Remus." came out of the icy body in a breath so quiet and shaky it could have been mistaken for the wind blowing all around them. "I never…" The sentence couldn't be finished though, because just then Sirius Black passed at Remus' front door.

To say he was hurt would have been a massive understatement. He was downright heartbroken. He was aware that Sirius had been looking for him when first he left, but had not seen any evidence of that in the last month or so. For some reason this hurt the wolf more than he could possibly have imagined. He'd told Sirius that he hated him, that his life would have been so much better if he'd never even laid eyes on him. Of course, that wasn't true and he knew it. He'd only wanted to say anything that could make Sirius feel a fraction of the hurt he felt racing through his body months later.

And yet here he was in his doorway, soaking wet and pale and shaking. It might have been the way the crescent moon was shining upon him this rainy night, but Remus would have sworn Sirius had never looked so vulnerable and sad. It broke his heart even more, and pissed him off beyond belief simultaneously. Why should he even care anything about Sirius anymore? Remus wasn't the one that told him he loved him more than life itself (though he'd gotten pretty damn close several times). Remus wasn't the one who'd promised to never leave him and had gone and done it time and time again, taking a little more of his heart with him every time. Remus wasn't the one who'd said he was afraid of committing to him after saying there was no one else in the world he'd rather be with.

Remus did, however, decide that a lifetime of a dull ache in his chest might be worth more than the positively ripping sensation he felt being with Sirius and believing he must not truly love him. It would be worth it, he thought, to just feel a dull pain that came in waves a few times a day and know that he'd had to move on to protect what was left of his damaged heart.

And Sirius had barged back into his life once more to smash it all to pieces.

Several variations of this one line of thought raced through Remus' head as he gazed down at the unconscious body of Sirius Black. He would be lying if he said he had not considered just leaving him out in the icy rainstorm to die. He was sure he vaguely deserved it. But the fact that he was seeing that beautiful and horrible face for the first time in months overtook that desire, and Remus brought him inside.

He made a fire in the fireplace and cast a spell to make it larger to engulf the entire living room with heat. He tossed several blankets and pillows onto the floor and before hitting Sirius with a powerful drying charm and wrapping him in them. Remus gave him a last look before going to the kitchen to make a large cup of hot chocolate for Sirius. He also made one for himself and spiked it with firewhiskey.

Remus must have been in the kitchen for over an hour draining and refilling his hot chocolate and firewhiskey cocktail. It would take far more than a few small cups to get him drunk. Currently, he just felt vaguely tipsy. It would take two bottles of firewhiskey just to get him to a barely definitive form of drunk. A low moan from the living room stirred him from his thoughts and he suddenly found himself back in the living room. Sirius, however, was not awake, but appeared, in fact, to be dreaming.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! Please, forgive me," his pitiful voice cried. "I will do anything, I swear it, Remus! Don't leave me!" Agony twisted his face and Remus could see in the glow of the fire that Sirius Black was crying.

He felt then as if a weight had hit him in the stomach. His throat tightened as he felt his anger dissipate and give way to sadness. He placed a hand on Sirius' chest and then his face. He was still too cold despite the blankets and the fire. Remus could only think of one thing that might help him, despite the fact that being near Sirius made his stomach twist wildly into knots. He peeled off his shirt and moved so that he was under the mountain of blankets he'd bestowed upon Sirius, enveloping him into his arms. He turned him around so that his chest was against Remus'.

"I could never truly leave you, Sirius." he said softly, relishing the feeling of the one he loved residing in his arms. "I could never hate you, and believe me, I have tried." The words seemed to hold a lot of weight in the slowly toasting room. He held him tighter than he had before, noticing that the heat from his body was beginning to have some effect on Sirius now. He wasn't as cold as he had been.

Remus closed his eyes, feeling his throat tighten up once more as he spoke again. "You are the very best part of me, Sirius, but you've broken my heart beyond recognition. You are the only person I have ever loved and quite possibly the only one I ever will. I don't think that's something you realize. I don't believe you ever will."

Sirius was shaking now, and Remus looked down, wondering if Sirius was seizing. But what he found was an awake Sirius crying. He looked up at Remus with eyes full of shame. He was still shaking slightly from the cold but it was tapering off, however, the crying was not. Remus didn't say anything but rolled away from him. Sirius' mouth opened slightly in shock at this. Did Remus truly not want to be near him?

"I'm an idiot, Remus, a bloody idiot. You're the best thing that ever happened and I let you go time and time again. Well, I won't this time, I swear it. The McKinnons were murdered a few months ago and I swear to anything, I could not possibly live in this world without you in mine. Please, Remus, forgive me. I know I don't deserve it but please forgive me." Sirius spoke quietly, almost as if he was praying, as if he believed there was no chance in hell that Remus could ever take him back. But he was wrong.

"I do." Remus replied, facing Sirius despite the distance between them.

"What?"

He grabbed desperately for Sirius' hand and held it tightly as if were his anchor to this world and all others. "I forgive you, Sirius."


End file.
